Please know that I am wishing all of you
a wonderful and blessed New Year!
Lots of good things are coming this
You will hear from me soon!
Lots of Love,
November 17, 2009
Well, as you might have
noticed... 2009 seems to be the year that I just did not feel
like saying that much via my online journal.
I guess I got caught up with
FACEBOOK and used that as my primary tool for communicating
everything that was going on with me. If you do not have a
FACEBOOK account yet, then I highly recommend you create one.
The site is a wonderful way to keep up with others. I am
totally addicted to it. And please, if you have a page ...
find me on the site and add me as a friend!
But to update you as far as
what happened this year, hopefully this LONG journal entry
will help make up for my absence...
January thru much of June, I
focused on building my real estate business. While quite a
few people had a really difficult year, I was fortunate enough
to have my most successful year in real estate ever. I worked
constantly ... to the point that I rarely felt like I had a
life of my own. Jamie was busy in school so I was glad to
have the work. Plus I was really trying to save as much money
as I could so I could get my happy butt back into the studio.
I did manage to do a few
one-on-ones... (mostly over the phone) this year. Without
going too far into all of that, I just want to say that I have
always felt so very blessed to meet and/or speak with the most
amazing people. It is always such an honor for me to have
been given this kind of opportunity to work with folks in this
way, and I truly, truly enjoy the work. THANK YOU to all of
you who came to me.
And then ... of course, off
and on through out the year ... I continued to work on and add
to my Online NDE book that is currently posted to the
spirituality section of my site. The book has not been fully
published as a hard copy, however, sections of it have already
been translated into over a dozen languages, while thousands
of people from all around the world continue to visit my site
every week to read the manuscript. I am always amazed
whenever I see the weblog, which depicts how many visitors the
site is getting, what they are looking at and how long they
are staying. Once the book is published I will have to remove
the entire manuscript but in respect for those who live in
areas of the world without religious freedom, I am planning on
directing everyone to the original/edited posting that is
presented on near-death.com
In April I began rehearsals
for my first off-Broadway musical called, "The Gold" which is
about a Jewish Olympic boxer who fights in the Olympic games.
The musical is primarily dealing with the beginning of the
Holocaust and the terrible events that followed. I played the
role of a Lutheran German Priest who saves the lead character
from death and my role carries one of the most powerful solos
in all the musical. You can see my performance on YOUTUBE:
I greatly enjoyed playing the
role and singing the song, "Touch The Darkness to the Sky" for
me it was truly a spiritual experience. Also, I came to
realize that singing in a musical is much different than
recording and performing pop music. There is a literal
discipline involved and it takes a special person to be able
to endure and succeed at it. However, I really enjoyed the
process. And besides the concern of forgetting lines or
lyrics, I had a really fun time.
Members of my family were
supposed to come see the show, but with the first scare of
Swine flu (thanks to the media) many were frightened away.
However, the show still had a really good turn out and out
last night was pretty much sold out. Jamie, my Mother, Leigh
Anne and my brother's girlfriend Brenna all came to see me, as
did my step-brother Mark and his wife Amber. My dear friend
Kitten flew in from L.A. to surprise me and my friend Shawn
came as well. Jenna Drey came, as her Dad was who wrote the
musical. Then I was shocked when I saw my old best friend
from High school, Lucinda Garces in the audience. We used to
sing in choir together and she knew me when I was just
starting out in music. So to see her was a definite
full-circle moment. She had come to watch one of the other
actors and had no idea I was in the show.
The Gold ran for 2 days in
Houston and then closed on May 2nd.
I then spent the rest of May
helping my neighbor find and buy a home in Hyde Park that
looked like the cutest London flat you ever saw! I was very
happy to work and help her out. I managed to negotiate a
really good deal for her and I was thrilled to be able to do
But then on June 11th, I had
a terrible ordeal occur.
My beloved grandmother, whom
many of you have heard of me speak of as my Nanoo had a
devastating stroke. She had fallen to the floor in the early
morning and no one was able to get to her in time to reverse
it. So you know: You have one hour to get someone help in
order to reverse a stroke.
After many months of ups and
downs ... on August the 26th, while I was having a root canal
done ... my Nanoo's Spirit passed from her physical body to
merge fully into God's magnificent Realm.
The thing is, right before
the dental surgery, I had a inner knowing that something was
up. I wrote my step mother an e-mail telling her where I
would be ... just in case. And then I went and sat on my
bed. Then all of the sudden, I got up, went to my FACEBOOK
page and where I had posted one of my favorite pictures of
Nanoo I wrote a personal note to her in the comments box and
told her how much I loved her.
I had no conscious idea of
this at the time, but she passed away just a few minutes right
after the time stamp.
After my dental surgery ... I
kept thinking ... something is up. Then, later when I got
home, I received a call from my Mom. She thought I already
had been told. She was the one who broke the news to me. I
did not cry. I already knew. After I hung up with her ...
then I cried.
Anyone who really knows me
knows that my Nanoo was definitely one of the great loves of
my life. She *is* a person who holds magic all around her and
the energy she created for her family created a vortex of love
and warmth. She was the person who was truly good and
generous in everyway, and she sought to keep us (her family)
always in good stead. Nanoo was a good mother figure. She
kept up with me and wanted to genuinely know about everything
I was doing with my life. Nanoo was my Angel when I came to
live with her after my family fell apart when I was 15. I
remained with her until I was almost 17. Afterwards I went
out on my own. But Nanoo remained one of my most cherished
friends. She was the one in the family who always made sense
to me. Everyone else (besides my Mom), not always so much.
Therefore, having my beloved Nanoo depart from this planet has
certainly been one of the most difficult challenges I have had
to personally face, and, well, while I have certainly faced
many challenges in my life ... this one was especially
I feel fortunate at least
that I had at least a few months to prepare myself before she
died. I got sick once and had to stay away to keep her well,
but otherwise I sought to see her at least every other day.
My gas bill went though the roof, but I did not care.
Jamie and I would often go
visit Nanoo in the evening and she always looked forward to
our visits as she was always a night person. Because of the
stroke, speaking was very difficult for her, but sometimes, by
looking into her eyes ... I was able to intuit what she was
trying to say and in the process we would have some very
lovely conversations. And then suddenly... she would have a
few minutes where she made perfect sense. As difficult as it
all was, I will carry with me some very lovely moments of that
time. Nanoo wanted to make sure she told both Jamie and me
how proud she was of us and how important it was that we
always stay together. Over and over she told me what a good
man she thought I was. She would grab and squeeze my hand and
just smile. I tear up every time I think about it actually.
Even in her challenging condition, she was still trying to
edify and give to me. This is the kind of woman my
The highlight of my 40th
birthday (in July) was going to feed Nanoo lunch, as it was
now impossible for her to feed herself. I stopped by a steak
house on the way to the care facility to pick her up some
desert. However, she was not that happy that day and it was
difficult for her actually. She was suffering from a UTI
(urinary tract infection) and was a bit disoriented. But I
was still glad to be there. I knew it would be the last
birthday I would ever spend with her during this lifetime. At
the same time, my brother Sean was in the hospital that week
for having some sort of edema issue, where he was having a
terrible allergic reaction to something. So my 40th was not
exactly the *happy* day I had always imagined. Instead it
would be a day that told me... it is time to grow up and
realize reality is not always going to look like you want it
to. No matter how much you plan! Jamie and I were going to
go to Europe, but I kept having this vision of me being very
sad during this time, so I intuitively knew I had better stay
home. I am so glad I did. I would have been miserable being
so far away, knowing that I was needed.
When Nanoo was finally
transported back home, because the doctor said she was going
into renal failure and would not remain with us much longer
... Dad got her home right away.
She only lasted a week.
The last time I saw Nanoo was
the second day she was back home. I will never forget the
hospice care staff running around trying to make her feel
comfortable. She loved being back home and adored the
attention she was getting. My Dad had gone out and bought the
most wonderful spread of food and snacks for everyone. When I
walked in I saw that everything had been so wonderfully laid
out in the kitchen. I was deeply touched seeing this and I
doubt I will ever forget how it made me feel. I think because
the house was literally filled with Love. I kept asking Nanoo,
can't you feel the love and she said, "Oh yes... I can."
Jamie and I visited with Nanoo for a few hours that day. We
ran around her room trying to organize it as she would point
at this or that... Yet, understanding her was almost
impossible. As she lay in bed, she had a chocolate colored
teddy bear in her lap that Marsha (my step Mom) had given
her. Nanoo called him, "Mr. Clark." She nervously flipped
the bear's legs back and forth and chatted as best she
could... Jamie and I just sat beside the bed and listened
patiently. Then there came a moment where she and I stared
deep into each others eyes and we shared a very intense
spiritual moment of silence. There was a definite exchange
and words were not necessary. She laughed, winked at me and
as her blue eyes twinkled... she suddenly said, "It is time
for me to go nite nite."
So, at that, I sprang up,
kissed Nanoo on the forehead and she smiled and said, "Vaya
con Dios" (go with God) which is something we always said to
each other whenever we said good-bye.
Then I said, what I always
say ... "Vaya" (Vi' O) ... which now that I think of it, means
... "GO" in Spanish. Wow. I am just realizing that this is
the last thing I said to her.
She waved good-bye ... Jamie
and I turned the corner and went into the living room. And
then, the hospice care nurse who was from Africa, walked us to
the door and then said, "I have to shut and lock this door
now." And I remember thinking... "Oh my gosh ... this is it
... isn't it?"
And it was...
After Nanoo's passing I did
not grieve the way I always had suspected I would. In some
ways I did much better ...
On the bad days, I did not
let my self dwell for long. And if I was having a bad time of
it ... it was because I was feeling sorry for myself. This
surprised me with the understanding I have about Heaven. Few
understand this place better than me...
However, I was having an
issue that I did not anticipate.
I have always been very
gifted at being able to feel into people's energy. Whether a
person is near or far away ... I don't have to see or speak to
them to know whether or not they are OK. I just know how they
are. The closer I am to someone, the stronger this ability
About a year before my
grandmother passed, I spent a good amount of time asking her
questions that I would want to know should she pass soon.
One of the questions was whether or not she would visit me
after she passed?
To this my Nanoo answered,
"No." She said that once she was out of "this old shell" (as
she often called her body) "I am out of here!" she said.
Well, when she died. She was
out and gone! And I no longer was able to tap into her. I
found this deeply disturbing. I can honestly say that I have
had visitation experiences with every single person I have
ever been close to who has passed away. EVERY SINGLE ONE! I
will either have a very vivid dream that I know is them
standing in my presence or I will literally have what I call,
"hellos from Heaven" where I know without a shadow of a doubt
that the person is right there beside me.
Now, it was just killing me
to know that I could not have contact with Nanoo anymore. She
was my touch stone. But not any more and this is what made
the grieving really bad. I cried so hard... and I joked once
with my step mom that I felt as if I was going to need an
Then finally, one afternoon I
was driving on a very cloudy day, and as I drove up on a new,
very tall section on the freeway that rose up close to the
cloud cover ... I had something interesting happen.
For some reason I was crying
while I drove. I don't know, maybe I was listening to a song
that reminded me of Nanoo. I don't really remember why. As
the tears started to pour out of me, I told God, "You are
going to have to help me with this God! And by the way ...
why can't I feel Nanoo anymore?" Then suddenly, out of
nowhere, I felt my own Spirit stretch from where I was. I
felt my energy shoot over downtown Houston and fly upward past
the clouds and into space. I passed the earth, the moon,
other planets and soon stretched way past our solar system and
many, many others. In a matter of seconds I felt myself pass
entire galaxies and fly through the eyes of nebulas. While
going at a speed that I could not possibly describe ... all I
know is that I traveled zillions of miles!
Then suddenly, I stopped.
And as if I was slapping my hand against a flat way and saying
"tag you are it" I felt my own Spirit's energy hit some kind
of a surface and then immediately after ... like the popping
of a rubber band, I felt myself fling right back into my body
at triple the speed than before I left.
The whole event lasted only a
few seconds, but something mysterious and amazing happened to
me upon my return. I no longer felt attached to my sadness.
Somehow, while I can never explain the geographical location
of where I felt myself travel to in those deep regions of
space, in my Soul I now knew where my Nanoo was ... and it is
a very, very, very long way away. Now, with this
understanding, I was OK with this. Nanoo had already told me
that she was not going to look back. It made perfect sense.
No wonder I was not tapping into her. It was like she was on
the other side of door that was a million miles thick and
because of this I could not hear her. Yet, thanks to the Love
and kindness of God ... somehow, I felt in my Spirit that she
was very happy and filled with tremendous joy!
There is a line in the song I
sang for the Gold, "HE (God) knows the reasons why ... to find
life something must die..." I remember every time I sang that
line, I felt an inner pang. I had many amazing moments
singing that song. And at times, I felt as if God was
speaking directly to me. Telling me, "No one loves you as
much as I do ... I am here! When you feel it ... TOUCH YOUR
DARKNESS TO THE SKY!"
For months prior to my
Nanoo's stroke, I intuitively knew something was coming. I
would do my real estate transactions and my one-on-ones, but
other than that I pretty much kept to myself, often wondering
why I was feeling so depressed. When I would allow myself to
search deep inside (as to why I felt this way) my Spirit told
me that the passing of a loved one was coming. I would ask
myself if it was Nanoo ... but the answer would not come.
Maybe I did not want to hear it.
A few months later, I read in
the paper on a Sunday that the actress, Bea Authur had died
April 25th. Nanoo and I would spend many an evening sitting
and laughing our heads off as we watched the Golden Girls
together on TV. When I read that Bea had died, I suddenly
broke out into a huge burst of tears! Jamie tried to comfort
me, but he was stunned that I would react so severely he got
firm with me and told me that I did not know her and that I
needed to snap out of it. I got mad at him for not reading me
more closely. Out of nowhere, I told him... "You know, this
is a clue. I cannot explain it... but I know this is a
clue... Bea's death coming during this time means [somehow]
that I am about to experience the end of an era. Someone I
love very dearly is going to die. It was at that moment that
I knew it was probably going to be Nanoo. I have been doing
stuff like this my whole life and when I have this kind of
feeling hit me, I know not to ignore it.
I had many wonderful
conversations with my Nanoo as I prepared for The Gold. And
once when I visited her, as she sat across from me I sang
Touch the Darkness to the Sky to her accapella, and it was a
moment between us I will always cherish. Sometimes sharing
music was not always an easy thing with Nanoo. Because of her
many years of being a music teacher and amazing pianist, she
could be a fierce critic. However, when I sang for her ...
she loved what I did to the song and praised me tremendously.
She loved my ability to "reach so effortlessly into my
falsetto voice" as she called it, as I sang the high parts of
the song. This moment brought me back to a memory of her and
I listening to a Christmas record in the 80s where she told me
the best male singers could soar their voices into a falsetto
voice on command. I was proud that I had learned how to do
Right before Nanoo passed, I
took a real estate listing in my neighborhood of the home
(that was my prior listing) that had burnt down during IKE on
the very day it was to go live on the MLS! A builder (Sierra
Classic Homes) had rebuilt the home. I was wondering if it
was smart for me to take the listing knowing what I was about
to endure, but I was glad to have the work to keep me busy.
We sold the house at the end
And starting on October
6th... I went into the studio. Thank God I did. I
desperately needed to focus on doing something that I really
loved doing ... and as my Mom told me today, there are few
things that make me happier in life than when I am recording
my music. And she is absolutely right. Not only was the
studio time helping me to heal from my broken heart, I
managed to finish a song that I had written and had been
wanting to record for years and years called, "GARDEN OF
GOD." I worked my butt off on the song. Layering tons and
tons of vocals on top of a loop track I had programmed. The
feeling of completion of working on something I wondered if I
was even ever going to get done was wonderful. While working,
I also recorded a track that flew right out of me as I was
stepping out of the bath tub ... 1000 MILES. Lots of folks
really seem to like that one a lot.
I feel that 1000 Miles is a
good title for this project that I have been working on. I am
also adding a few songs I recorded over the last few years
that I have either remixed or remastered. They fit perfectly
with what I am trying to say artistically.
As I head to NYC in a few
weeks to attend the 2009 OUTmusic awards, I am happy to know
that even after all these years of being away from recording
... I am still relevant and considered in the loop. I am
nominated in two categories. Best Dance Song (Running Back to
You - Million Mile Mix) and Best Spiritual Song (I Belong to
You). I do not expect to win, but I am glad to be nominated.
It is funny, I feel as if I
have come 1000 Miles. In all honesty, with all the potential
I know I hold inside myself I have not traveled as far as I
knew I could. Mostly because of money issues.. It is
expensive when you have ideas as big as mine and not enough $$
to pay for them. But I am still proud of my achievements so
far. I have worked very hard.
And with a little luck, and
the help of friends IN HIGH PLACES ... maybe, just MAYBE ... I
will go another 1000 Miles. Who knows, maybe I will go even
further. We will see.